Mroz4k wrote: Spoiler: I got woken up today by my mother, she told me that my grandfather died. I was expecting it could happen since two weeks ago, but he was getting a bit better and so this hit me really hard.
I also realized that I died over 8 months ago, and have been in denial of the fact. I did absolutedly nothing today, couldnt have brought myself to it. Except I went to a shop just hour ago, and bought me a bottle of gin. Intention is clear, to drink myself to sleep. Or, maybe into doing something else. Living felt like ashes to me for a long time now. I also ran out of cigars, when I finally need them I run out.
So yea, today fucking sucked. But lets not say that my grandfather´s passing is the main reason I feel this way. No, its cause a certain someone and something they did 8 months ago, something that killed me. And now that same person, who seemed to have treated me like I am their playtoy for the past several months, is sending a message to me if I am okay, as if I could be. Im torn in between telling that person all that I feel, just unloading a thousand curses on them or continue being a well brought up person and stay being polite.
And, finally, considering how to end the journey, in what way. Probably by rope. Dont try to talk me out. I am done trying to play around, the world is nothing but hostile, every time I find little bit of happiness its taken away from me in the worst moment just to make me suffer all that much more. Life feels like ash, felt that way for months now, and I just cant take that anymore.
Spoiler: First, I am sorry to hear about your grandfather's passing. I'm sure many people have been through this before, myself included. And it is always hard to see a loved one pass. So my condolences to you and your family.
Second, as someone who recently battled with suicidal tendencies and still suffers from depression and anxiety, I hope that you will realize that people care about you before you make your final decision in regards to your life. You may feel like no one cares about you right now, or that your life doesn't have a purpose, but trust me when I say that everyone's life has a purpose. It took me a year to realize that myself. We all go through moments in our lives where we are miserable. But sometimes you need to be a bit proactive. See a doctor and get on some medications. Go and visit a therapist. Confide in a close family member or friend. Because if you end your own life or if you give up on yourself, someone in your life will be deeply hurt by that. Someone out there cares about you. Hell, even I do and I don't know you. But you're a human being with feelings, and we are all in this thing called life together.
Third, I'm always available to talk / listen if you ever need to vent about something. Feel free to message me if you ever want to. That helped me a lot last year and is still helping me to this day. So now I like to try to be that person to everyone. We all deserve happiness. I hope you can one day discover yours again.