The Solanum Tuberosum plant, or the “potato”, is undeniably the best vegetable amongst all others. This starchy tuber is extremely versatile, able to be cooked in a variety of ways (french fried, mashed, hashed, bashed, crashed, blanched, ranched, au gratin, waffle-cut, deep-fried, boiled, baked, etc.). The addition of the potato to any savory dish elevates the overall quality, and will enhance the quality of life of the recipient. The starches of the potato can also be used in various sauces, dishes, and doughs, making it extremely useful in modern-day cooking. Potatoes can be found in cuisines all around the world, for example, in Italian cuisine, potatoes are used in gnocchi. In Indian cuisine, potatoes are often put in curries, samosas, and Vada Pav. In Lovecraftian rituals, Phrygians attempt to commune by [REDACTED] potatoes to achieve [REDACTED], therefore summoning H̴̛̛͚̩͔̘̦̻̑̇̇̌͐̈̌̈́̚z̵̘̽͑̎̈́͑̂̽͛̒̈́̾͗̄͂͘͠͠͝͝i̸̗̜͚̼͛̋͗̐͌̀̓̒͒̍̿̌͆̉͐͗̔̉̎̌̓͊̕̚͝ṳ̷͕̫͎̤͚͈̀̒̍͂̂̽̇͒̍̿̕̕͝͝l̸̢̩͚͇͇̭̪͉̮̩̱͙͖̦͉͇̫̦̬̎̓̔̅̽̍̔͒̒̈́̈́̋͠ͅq̵̳͈̠͛͌̑̀͌̎̃̾̌̎̈́̓̎͆̊͐͋͌̓̐̔̚͝ų̵̢̨̲̖̝͍̫̦͙͓̥̞͚͉̀̇͛̓̂o̶̧̦̗̻̭̓́͗̉̓̾̾͐̑̿̒͑̆̿̄̈́͘͠͝ì̶̥͚̣͉̠̹̻̯̟͍͙̼̔̍͑̂͊̔̾g̴̭͇͎̘̝̥̻̗̟̘̤̔̈͜ͅm̸̨̡̨̢̲̺͔̥̙͚̞̮̜͔̲͑͌͂͒̅͂̑͐̀̊̅̾̏̊̏̽̿͝͠͝͠ņ̶̡̣͓̬̥̐̏̔̏̊̒z̴̧̧̛̰̱̦̬̜͔̯̘̼͉͇̘͍̩̣͇̤̺͎̤̫͖̳̿̇͂̎͛̒̈́̉͑̓̋̈́́͋̂̈́͐̋̕͝͝͝͝h̸̢̡̨̛͎̯̣̱̭̼̣͙̼̫̦͔̳̜̾̒̈́̈́͝ͅa̷̧̛͇͔̠͔̪̖̪͓̲͍̠̣̘͓̐̅́̿͂͊͜͝ḥ̷̻͎́̀̀͌̂͌̀̉͂̅͛̽͛̒͘͘
They are also very tough when uncooked, meaning that they make for good ammunition for catapults, trebuchets, air bazookas, etc. Because they are biodegradable, committing murder with a potato is very useful, because then you have a weapon you can eat and/or use as compost. If your potato is bloody via bludgeoning/spontaneous hemorrhaging, the haemoglobin gives a certain metallic taste that varies in desirability depending on the person.
You can also opt to lob the potato at relatives, street performers, dunk tanks, and really fucking annoying children if necessary. With the addition of a hand torch or cremator oven, you can also play a literal version of Hot Potato with the potato. If you cut a shape out with a potato, you can make stamps. Due to their hardy nature, you can also use potatoes as holders for objects such as:
-incense
-cell phones
-baby teeth
-makeup mirrors
-a copy of Edgar Allen Poe's "T̶̡̧̛͍̼̩͍͇̙͇̘̱̰͎̫̼̗͌́̈́͒̍̓͒̾͋Ḧ̷̡̝̘̜͔͇̺́̅̾̾̒͂̽̇̏̒̏͘͝͝Ẻ̷̡̛̬̗̺̙͎͙̜̘̥͎̩̼̳̰̹̫̬̫̜̘̟̝͗̽̌̊̌̅̍̋̏͒̿͘ ̴̢̱̥͈̯̦̪͚̞͈͉͔̰̪̯̝͆̈́̓̎̉͜͝C̷͍̘̠̪͍̤̄͂̎̔͌Á̵̡̧̢̡̦̮̩̼͙̭̰̼̻̱̘̌̈̊̏̇͜ͅͅȘ̵̛̞̝͎̝͐͂̑̓̏͂́͒͐̆̌̈̋͑̓Ṫ̵̨̡̛͔̩͉̙̳̥̖͍̖̤̮͙̣͈͈̲̜́̽̅͑̐́̈͂̎́͋̈́͌͊̉̅̚͝͝͝ͅͅ ̵̢̡̱̘̖͍̞̻̭͕̣̆̌̇̀͛̇̈̈̀́̓́̋͂̑̋͐͘̚͘͝͝ͅƠ̶̯̰̪̭͍͓͊̐̓̋́̆̚͜͜͝F̶̡̮̮̗̜̗̩̜͓̪̳̖̯̆̉̂̓̕̚͜ ̷̜͇̘̘̳̠̾̈́̇̐́̅̍̒͝͝A̸̢̛͎̰̝̳̳̝͕͍̩̳̝̔͗͆̍̿̊̓̚͜͜͝M̶̛͔̪̬̬̟̣̗̠̰͓̮͔̼̙̘̜̩͓̩̝̫̜̜̒̾̓̒̏͆̉̏̉̈́͘̕͝͠O̶̢̨̳̗̜̩̝̥̩̲̞͙̲̗̱̳̮͈̝̱̦̭̪̳̝͗̄̑͛̇̆N̶̡̧̹͍̹̳̻̮̩̝̜͉̞̩̜͇̜̠̯̒̑̍̾́̇̈̀̓̈́̂̾̃̔̆̊̚̚͜͜͠T̴̲̰͙̤̫̠̓̆͂̊̾̌̿̑̑̈͘I̴̧̡̦̝̰̪̲͚͓̻̺͍̘̗͍͕̜͖͖̽̈́̈́͜͝͠͝͝L̶̥̤͈̦̜̥̒͐̽̿̆̓͗͌̎̑̎͌̅L̸̢͕̦̺̤̄A̷̡̛̻̼̎̏͋̄̋̌͌̔̉͛̈́̍̐́͒͑͒̋͋̄̚͠D̷̡̨͓̰͈͉̱̜̞͎̩̙͚͎̯̅͠͝ͅƠ̶̪̞͙͍̣̩͓̗̺̩̺̬̙̤̾͗̔͋ͅ"
There are many many options to use potatoes. If your town, city, or level of Hell has been experiencing a pumpkin shortage, you can use potatoes in lieu of pumpkins for Jack-o'-lanterns.
In conclusion, the potato is arguably the most useful vegetable. What can a cucumber do that a potato can't do better?